The Five Conflict Modes
The Five Conflict Modes
Two axes
- Assertiveness: how hard you push for your own goals.
- Cooperativeness: how much you look after the other side’s goals.
The five modes
- Competing: high push, low care. Goal: win.
- Collaborating: high push, high care. Goal: everyone takes part.
- Compromising: middle on both. Goal: a workable middle.
- Avoiding: low push, low care. Goal: delay.
- Accommodating: low push, high care. Goal: yield.
Key idea
No single mode is best. The right one depends on the situation.
People fall into a handful of recognisable habits when a conflict starts. One widely used model, set out by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970s, names five of them and is still used in training today. It sorts behaviour with two simple questions.
Two Questions Behind Every Mode
The first question is assertiveness: how hard you push for your own goals. The second is cooperativeness: how much you look after the other side’s goals. Each runs on a scale from low to high.
A person high on assertiveness fights for what they want. A person high on cooperativeness works to give the other side what they want. The five modes are the main combinations of these two scales.
Cooperativeness is the mirror question, and the two together explain why some modes look alike on the surface but aim at different results.
Assertiveness and cooperativeness.
Assertiveness is how hard you push for your own goals. Cooperativeness is how much you look after the other side’s. Each runs from low to high, and the five modes are positions on that grid.
Plotting the two scales against each other gives five named modes.
The Five Modes at a Glance
Each mode is a different mix of pushing and caring, and each aims at a different result. The short mottos are memory aids, not advice.
| Mode | Assertiveness | Cooperativeness | Goal | Memory aid |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Competing | High | Low | Win | “Might makes right” |
| Collaborating | High | High | Everyone takes part | “Two heads beat one” |
| Compromising | Moderate | Moderate | A workable middle | “Split the difference” |
| Avoiding | Low | Low | Delay | “Leave it alone” |
| Accommodating | Low | High | Yield | “Win them over with kindness” |
Two of these look alike at a glance, because both push hard for a goal.
Cooperativeness.
Competing pushes for your own goal and pays little attention to the other side. Collaborating pushes just as hard but also works to meet the other side’s goal, aiming for a result that satisfies everyone.
Naming a mode from how someone acts is the first skill worth practising.
When Each Mode Fits
No mode is right everywhere. Each has situations where it is the sensible choice.
| Mode | Works best when |
|---|---|
| Competing | A quick, decisive call is needed, or a vital but unpopular action must be taken |
| Collaborating | Both sides’ concerns matter too much to trade, and there is time to work them through |
| Compromising | Time is short, the issue is not too complex, or collaborating and competing have failed |
| Avoiding | The issue is minor, people need to cool off, or you need more information first |
| Accommodating | You are wrong, harmony matters most, or the issue means far more to the other person |
Reading the situation matters as much as knowing the modes.
Avoiding gets a bad name, but for a trivial, one-time issue it can be the calm choice. Held too long, though, it lets a real problem grow.
When time is short or a stronger approach has stalled.
Splitting the difference gives a quick, workable settlement when there is no time to collaborate fully, when the issue is not too complex, or as a backup after collaborating or competing has failed.
Which mode fits also depends on you, not only the situation.
No Single Best Mode
Most people lean on one preferred mode, the one they reach for without thinking, but everyone can use all five. The situation, the people involved, and the setting all shape which mode works at a given moment.
Knowing your own default is useful. A questionnaire based on the model, often called the TKI, sorts your answers into the five modes and shows which you tend to reach for. A group where everyone shares the same default tends to handle conflict poorly; a mix of modes at the table is stronger.
The aim is range, not a single winning style.
None on its own; the best mode depends on the situation.
Most people prefer one mode by habit, yet each has moments where it fits. Skill in conflict means matching the mode to the situation and the people, and switching when the first choice is not working.
A wide repertoire beats a strong single habit, because the next conflict rarely looks like the last one.
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